Friday, September 08, 2006
Lay, Lady, Lay...............
No wonder our groceries are so expensive!!!!!!!!
The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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Post turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to stop and help the dumb shit get down."
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Retirement Planning
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But..... if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
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Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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New Name
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most ... cars and men."
" What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits", he replied.
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Quote from Ted Nugent
He was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend? ` Or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."
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GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.
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What To Do..........
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
If you do not know, see answer below.
.
.
Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round!!
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Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.....
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden "diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money!
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's & Insurance Companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
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Midlife crisis
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me:
Recently, married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde!
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman! It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would, once again, be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed!
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Newz Brake............
Mo. Man Sends Porn Pictures of Ex - Wife By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 6:04 p.m. ET
CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo. (AP) -- A southeast Missouri man will go to jail for breaking into his ex-wife's e-mail and sending pornographic pictures of her to her relatives.
Alfred Seals, 47, of Cape Girardeau, pleaded guilty Wednesday to misdemeanor tampering with computer data, and was sentenced to 20 days in jail.
Seals gained access to his wife's e-mail account without her consent, then e-mailed the woman's family a Web site link and message stating, ''something nice to see,'' according to a probable-cause statement.
The link took users to a Web site that contained several pornographic pictures Seals took of the woman when they were married.
The woman immediately suspected her ex-husband and went to police.
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Scotsman in Cuba
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
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"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today "OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes!!
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SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) Are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7 A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least...my personal favorite
13. Thongs and Depends
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Pearly Gates
St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.
Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.
God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."
St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"
God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."
St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
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From the "Don't Try This At Home" File:
My Solution
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants----to boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc.
I have come up with, what I believe is, the perfect solution to both the gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful, and they're cheaper than buying gas.
Then I pay them in pesos, so they have to go home to spend it.
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IQ
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical break throughs, etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "Sir, what is your IQ?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g to n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?"
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Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and makes love to me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing", he said, "What's for dinner?"
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An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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A LITTLE CATHOLIC HUMOR
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and enjoying a round of golf.The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again, and the usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed
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Some Old, Some New, All Useful..........
GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it" --- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder
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A Moldie Oldie........
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"
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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 06
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the ! time gra ndpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first ! place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up; some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Updated & Downgraded......
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1.. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church (unless you're Catholic and enjoy tailgating before Mass)
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
*** DINING OUT ***
1.. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
***DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
*** WEDDINGS ***
1.. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the Bride while going through the Reception line, for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.. For the groom; at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in the sights.
2.. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2.. There are no dental records.
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All Together............
Ole
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead.
The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.
He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St., that's O-A-K."
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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.
"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
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Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
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Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
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Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free.
We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale."
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to
Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
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And dot's enough!!
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The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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Post turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to stop and help the dumb shit get down."
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Retirement Planning
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But..... if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
~~~~~~~~~
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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New Name
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most ... cars and men."
" What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits", he replied.
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Quote from Ted Nugent
He was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend? ` Or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."
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GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.
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What To Do..........
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
If you do not know, see answer below.
.
.
Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round!!
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Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.....
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden "diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money!
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's & Insurance Companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
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Midlife crisis
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me:
Recently, married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde!
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman! It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would, once again, be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed!
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Newz Brake............
Mo. Man Sends Porn Pictures of Ex - Wife By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 6:04 p.m. ET
CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo. (AP) -- A southeast Missouri man will go to jail for breaking into his ex-wife's e-mail and sending pornographic pictures of her to her relatives.
Alfred Seals, 47, of Cape Girardeau, pleaded guilty Wednesday to misdemeanor tampering with computer data, and was sentenced to 20 days in jail.
Seals gained access to his wife's e-mail account without her consent, then e-mailed the woman's family a Web site link and message stating, ''something nice to see,'' according to a probable-cause statement.
The link took users to a Web site that contained several pornographic pictures Seals took of the woman when they were married.
The woman immediately suspected her ex-husband and went to police.
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Scotsman in Cuba
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
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"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today "OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes!!
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SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) Are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7 A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least...my personal favorite
13. Thongs and Depends
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Pearly Gates
St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.
Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.
God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."
St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"
God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."
St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
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From the "Don't Try This At Home" File:
My Solution
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants----to boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc.
I have come up with, what I believe is, the perfect solution to both the gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful, and they're cheaper than buying gas.
Then I pay them in pesos, so they have to go home to spend it.
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IQ
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical break throughs, etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "Sir, what is your IQ?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g to n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?"
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Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and makes love to me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing", he said, "What's for dinner?"
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An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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A LITTLE CATHOLIC HUMOR
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and enjoying a round of golf.The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again, and the usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed
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Some Old, Some New, All Useful..........
GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it" --- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder
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A Moldie Oldie........
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"
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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 06
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the ! time gra ndpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first ! place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up; some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Updated & Downgraded......
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1.. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church (unless you're Catholic and enjoy tailgating before Mass)
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
*** DINING OUT ***
1.. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
***DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
*** WEDDINGS ***
1.. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the Bride while going through the Reception line, for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.. For the groom; at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in the sights.
2.. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2.. There are no dental records.
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All Together............
Ole
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead.
The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.
He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St., that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.
"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free.
We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to
Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And dot's enough!!
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Friday, July 21, 2006
Just Like a Woman..............
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Two guys are chatting in a bar.
One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend, "and I JUST JOINED THE ELKS !!!!
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Nuns.....
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying. . ."Here, don't forget the curlers."
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Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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FLORIDA NEWS
A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder."
(That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained and there was this note.
It said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
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Baseball injury
John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?" John said.
"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.
Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton balls and water.
"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"
Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"
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Nowhere to hide
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
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Louisiana State Police
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux, to
investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
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92
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every Sunday afternoon during summer. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
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Bush is wrong!!!
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID THAT MASSIVE DEPORTATION OF ILLEGAL ALIENS IS UNREALISTIC. HE FURTHER SAID YOU CAN'T JUST MOVE 12 MILLION PEOPLE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
HE IS WRONG.
MEXICO DID IT.
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Jack Bolt
John "Jack" Bolt, who launched West to his final reward in 2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace.
As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought F4U Corsair.
As a major, he scored six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre during a Korean War exchange tour with the U.S. Air Force.
Jack Bolt was a hoot. During a commercial airline flight several years ago, he was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible.
Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby.... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
Jack snaps his fingers, shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Dang! And all these years I've been chewing gum!"
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LETTERS "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. This is all I got.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Don't Snooze Thru The Newz...
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Cop's Night Job As Hooker Is Nixed
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 8:09 a.m. ET
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A New Zealand policewoman has been censured for some unauthorized ''undercover'' work -- a stint moonlighting as a prostitute -- but is being allowed to keep her day job after giving up the night duties.
While prostitution is legal in New Zealand and police are allowed to take approved second jobs, a top officer said sex work and police work don't mix.
The policewoman had worked for a limited time as a prostitute in the northern city of Auckland before her clandestine activity was uncovered, police said. Her name and rank have not been made public.
Police media communications manager Jon Neilson said he understood the officer had taken up ''secondary employment due to financial difficulties,'' but had not sought police approval to work in the sex industry.
She has been counseled over the matter, which ''under police procedures .... amounts to a censure,'' said Deputy Police Commissioner Lyn Provost.
''I can assure the public that ... this type of secondary employment would never be approved given that the type of work is inappropriate and incompatible with policing,'' Provost said.
A spokeswoman for the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective said that depending on the brothel in which she worked, the police officer could have earned 500 New Zealand dollars (US$312) on a busy night.
Had she heard of other police officers moonlighting as sex workers?
''We have law students that are sex workers, we have doctors that are sex workers, I mean anyone can be a sex worker,'' the woman said, asking that she not be named due to the sensitive nature of her job.
''NZPC's philosophy is that we support people that are in that (for) secondary employment,'' she added.
Police Minister Annette King called the matter an internal police employment issue. It was ''inappropriate'' for her to comment.
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The 10 least politically correct movies ever
From 'Blazing Saddles' to 'Team America,' these films take no prisoners
By Michael Ventre, MSNBC contributor
Updated: 1:54 p.m. PT July 11, 2006
Many believe political correctness is good. It keeps us in line. It reminds us that almost all segments of society should be treated with dignity and respect. A joke at the expense of someone's gender, race or ethnic background has no place in movies today.
Of course, there are those who disagree, who believe political correctness is wrong, who feel that it only creates resentment toward the offended parties. A PC world is a world of oppression, they say, where freedom of speech is allowed in theory, but not in practice.
Personally, I'm not sure how I feel. Ideally, I'd like to straddle the line between both so as not to offend anyone.
But it's safe to say that comedies are the targets of most PC discussions when it comes to movies. That's because comedies have to make fun of something, and many times that something has to do with the differences in people. The movie business has a rich history of creating humor from the very essences of who people are, for better or worse.
That trend has slowed down considerably in recent years. They just don't make racial, ethnic or sex jokes like they used to in motion pictures, although occasionally they still try. Again, some feel that's the way it should be. Others disagree. But it's undeniable that these are different times — PC times — and students of comedy surely can appreciate the evolution of the genre to today's more sanitized state.
The following is a list of 10 comedies that really went to the precipice of good taste and decorum in the quest for laughs. Most are older, but a few were made fairly recently. Viewed now, many will still create laughter while others might meet with disgust. Of course, in most cases that was the reaction when they were first released:
"Blazing Saddles"
The granddaddy of them all when it comes to language and situations that wouldn't fly today. Mel Brooks' Western spoof came out in 1974, when certain indelicate references to race and womanhood could still elicit guffaws rather than protests. Cleavon Little plays Bart, an African-American who is assigned by evil politician Hedley Lamaar (Harvey Korman) to serve as the new sheriff of a town in the hopes his presence will so offend the citizens that he'll drive them out so Lamaar can grab their land. Because the townspeople apparently were expecting a white man, Bart isn't exactly embraced. A particular slur that starts with the letter that comes after "M" is sprinkled liberally throughout, but there are also plenty of sexual references as well, including the scene soon after Bart arrives and the folks dive for cover when he reaches into his pants to retrieve a document and says, "Excuse me while I whip this out." Since Brooks is an equal-opportunity offender, he assaults the sensibilities of Native-Americans, Jews, Chinese, Irish, women, horses, the handicapped and others. If "Blazing Saddles" were pitched in Hollywood today, Brooks would have been hastily escorted off the lot, and executives would quickly issue a statement that the move had nothing to do with him being short and Jewish.
"Airplane!"
Directors Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker skewered the disaster genre in this 1980 release that hurled one gag after another at audiences without the slightest regard to whether it rubbed anyone the wrong way. There was the bit with the two black gentlemen seated together whose speech is incomprehensible to the flight attendant until Barbara Billingsley of "Leave It To Beaver" fame offers to translate, explaining, "I speak jive." There was Peter Graves' Captain Oveur, who makes suggestive remarks to a young boy visiting the cockpit including, "Do you like gladiator movies?" There was the little boy who asks a little girl seated next to him how she likes her coffee: "Black, like my men." There were the repeated drug references by Lloyd Bridges ("Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.") There was the Air Israel plane wearing a yarmulke. And on and on. Today the PC police would have to hire extra help in order to monitor this one picture.
"There's Something About Mary"
An argument can be made that brothers Peter and Bobby Farrelly should be honored in the politically incorrect category for their entire body of work rather than just one picture. But "Mary" is not only the brothers at their tasteless best, but also at their funniest. The hair gel scene is probably the one Farrelly brothers moment that is most famous, and the one that generated enough good word of mouth to make this a big hit. But they also create laughter with men surprised at a rest area pursuing their feelings for each other. And when Matt Dillon jump-starts a dead dog. And when Ben Stiller gets his zipper caught in an area where no man should get his zipper caught. And when Dillon tries to impress Cameron Diaz by boasting about his "work with retards." The film is a sweet romantic comedy that is drenched in crude humor, creating a rare and hilarious subgenre.
"Caddyshack"
Probably more in the gross-out category than politically incorrect, this 1980 laugher starring Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and Ted Knight nevertheless had enough moments that would make a censor cringe to qualify here. For instance, early in the film Rodney shows up at Bushwood Country Club with an older Asian gentleman who has a camera around his neck and is taking pictures of everything. Dangerfield implores, "Hey Wang, c'mon. It's a parking lot!" He also tells Wang: "This place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish." The nephew of Knight's Judge Smails explains that his marijuana must be good because "I bought it off a Negro." Chase's Ty Webb asks young Danny Noonan (Michael O'Keefe) whether he takes drugs. "Every day," answers Danny. "Good," replies Ty, although that was later cleaned up for some TV showings. Don't forget Murray undressing the female golfers with his eyes and mumbling dirty talk to himself. And of course, there's the Baby Ruth at the bottom of the swimming pool, which Murray chomps on. Enough non-PC moments mixed with revolting jokes to satisfy anyone's inner slob.
"Love and Death"
This 1975 historical romp is a takeoff on epic Russian novels and explores the deeper questions of life via slapstick humor and pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo. It was Woody Allen's last film done strictly for yuks, until he segued into more serious fare with "Annie Hall" two years later. It has unforgettable moments of offensiveness, like when Diane Keaton's character Sonja explains to Father Andre that Woody's Boris had contemplated committing suicide "by inhaling next to an Armenian." In the same scene, the holy man tells Sonja that he has discovered over many years that the secret to life is "blond 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible." Woody also slips in a Polish joke with this line: "My brother was killed in the line of duty, bayoneted to death by a Polish conscientious objector." In most of Woody's earlier funny films, he managed to poke fun at just about everybody, but "Love and Death" is one of his more potent efforts.
"Kentucky Fried Movie"
The "Airplane!" team of Abrahams, Zucker and Zucker scripted this 1977 exercise in comic lunacy, but John Landis handled the directing chores. Whereas "Airplane!" was a series of sketches and bits attached to the spine of an absurd story derived from old airplane and disaster flicks, KFM really has no story at all. It jumps around from one zany situation to another, making sure to pierce society's taboos. Who can forget "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble," with its revealing shower sequence? Or "A Fistful of Yen," the chopsocky spoof where one prisoner is killed by an evil emperor, and then his partner is condemned as well: "And as for you … send him to Detroit!" The prisoner is then led away, pleading, "No, no! Not Detroit!" How about the game show announcer who mentions contestants named Hung Well, Long Wang and Enormous Genitals? And there's Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker, a daredevil who puts on a helmet, approaches a group of African-American men shooting dice against a wall, yells the "N" word and runs away with them hot on his heels. Today the FCC could double its annual revenue from fines with one showing of KFM on network TV.
"Team America: World Police"
Few political satires exist at all. Fewer still jab the right and the left equally hard, and do so using marionettes and extremely bad taste. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of "South Park," made this 2004 parody of the old "Thunderbirds" TV series with the intent of ridiculing all elements of the war on terror. It includes a reference to the Film Actors Guild by showing a news clip with the words "Alec Baldwin — F.A.G." They make fun of the Broadway show "Rent" with their own called "Lease" that includes the song, "Everyone Has AIDS." The film ridicules foreign languages like Spanish, French and Arabic by boiling them down to caricature levels; Kim Jong-il, the bad guy in the movie as in real life, greets people with "Herro" and calls weapons inspector Hans Blix "Hans Brix." This picture is politically incorrect in the most virulent manner because it exists not to express a point of view, but rather to harpoon a broad section of the famous and powerful while offending as many as possible.
"Porky's"
In 1982, "Porky's" was trashed by critics and gobbled up by audiences. It is a simple tale of simple high school boys in Florida who set out to lose their virginity at a bar/brothel called Porky's, get humiliated and kicked out, and then plot their revenge. The controversy here was over a series of infantile jokes at the expense of women. If you were a young man, you laughed. If you were a young woman, you probably laughed too, but insisted later to your feminist theory professor that you didn't. There is a memorable shower scene with an unwanted intruder, and a woman (Kim Cattrall, laying the steamy groundwork for "Sex and the City" much later) known as Lassie because she howls during orgasm. The raunchy humor is counterbalanced a bit by a message against anti-Semitism, but only a bit. Mostly this is about penis jokes and naked women, taken to the Nth degree.
"Song of the South"
This mixture of live action and animation probably doesn't fit snugly into the category of politically incorrect comedies, simply because it isn't a straight comedy but more a lighthearted family picture. Also, the depictions of African-Americans here weren't mean to elicit laughs, but were done in earnest in an attempt to portray life in a particular time period, right after the Civil War. But there's no doubt this could never be made today the same way. In fact, Disney has refused to even release the film on home video in the United States (although it is available overseas) because the portrayals of African-Americans would create a firestorm today. Uncle Remus, a wise old black man, tells the story of Brer Rabbit and his pals to cheer up little Johnny, a white kid. But most of the black people are shown as subservient to whites. This isn't exactly "Birth of a Nation," but in terms of racial stereotypes, it's in that ballpark. "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" won the 1947 Academy Award for Best Song.
"Bad Santa"
Proving that even in these politically correct times a film can sneak through the studio filters and offend just about everybody, "Bad Santa" is probably the filthiest comedy produced in the last 10 years, and certainly it is the dirtiest Christmas film of all time. The 2003 release stars Billy Bob Thornton as Willie T. Stokes, a drunken, lecherous, mean-spirited department store St. Nick who never met a bottle of booze he wouldn't guzzle or a women's body he wouldn't plunder. On top of all that, he continually curses out the sweet little boy who adores him. It takes most movie-goers about a half hour or so until the shock wears off, the story gets going and it becomes clear that director Terry Zwigoff is going somewhere besides the toilet.
(c) 2006 MSNBC Interactive
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Beer Can Collection --
John Hollenhorst reporting
A seemingly unbelievable mess discovered last year in an Ogden townhouse has suddenly become an Internet legend.
It's all TRUE!
You know how some people, after they use something, just can't bear to throw it away. That might make sense if it's magazines or clothes. But what if it's empty beer cans? In astounding numbers?
When property manager Ryan Froerer got a call from a realtor last year to check on a townhouse, he knew something was up.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "Said it was the sickest thing he's ever seen. Just unimaginable that someone could live in that."
He couldn't even open the front door. It was blocked from inside.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "There was beer cans I would say probably this high up on the door."
The realtor had forewarned him about the smell.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "He poked his head in, the smell was so awful he couldn't go in. "
At the back door, Froerer was astounded by what he saw in the kitchen.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "As we approached the door, there were beer boxes, all the way up to the ceiling."
Inside, he took just a few snapshots to document the scene. Beer cans by the tens of thousands. Mountains of cans burying the furniture. The water and heat were shut off, apparently on purpose by the tenant, who evidently drank Coors Light beer exclusively for the eight years he lived there.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's just unbelievable that a human being could live like that. "
To all outward appearances, the person who lived in the townhouse was the perfect tenant. He always paid on time and he never complained. He kept a low profile in the neighborhood.
Kirk Martin, Letter Carrier: "Yeah I never delivered any mail there at all. I thought the apartment was vacant."
The cans were recycled for 800 dollars, an estimated 70,000 cans: 24 beers a day for 8 years.
Froerer e-mailed his photos to a couple of friends, who sent them to friends. Now he's getting calls from faraway places Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's amazing how the internet can have the effect and get around. I'm sure it's been around the world. "
The townhouse was cleaned up last year and it's just fine today.
The man who lived there seems to be back on his feet. We spoke to him today and he says he's completely stopped drinking. He was welcomed back to his old job a few months ago, and his co-workers speak highly of him.
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Lifestyle Advice......
Things we should all know
1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
9. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist is reversed.
13 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you do the same thing again.
16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
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Worthy of a Reprise.......
Game Warden
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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AN HONEST FACE
The Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
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Egg Business
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and putting it to them when they weren't paying attention.
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Two guys are chatting in a bar.
One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend, "and I JUST JOINED THE ELKS !!!!
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Nuns.....
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying. . ."Here, don't forget the curlers."
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Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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FLORIDA NEWS
A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder."
(That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained and there was this note.
It said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
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Baseball injury
John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?" John said.
"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.
Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton balls and water.
"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"
Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"
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Nowhere to hide
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
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Louisiana State Police
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux, to
investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
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92
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every Sunday afternoon during summer. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
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Bush is wrong!!!
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID THAT MASSIVE DEPORTATION OF ILLEGAL ALIENS IS UNREALISTIC. HE FURTHER SAID YOU CAN'T JUST MOVE 12 MILLION PEOPLE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
HE IS WRONG.
MEXICO DID IT.
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Jack Bolt
John "Jack" Bolt, who launched West to his final reward in 2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace.
As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought F4U Corsair.
As a major, he scored six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre during a Korean War exchange tour with the U.S. Air Force.
Jack Bolt was a hoot. During a commercial airline flight several years ago, he was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible.
Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby.... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
Jack snaps his fingers, shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Dang! And all these years I've been chewing gum!"
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LETTERS "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. This is all I got.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Don't Snooze Thru The Newz...
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Cop's Night Job As Hooker Is Nixed
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 8:09 a.m. ET
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A New Zealand policewoman has been censured for some unauthorized ''undercover'' work -- a stint moonlighting as a prostitute -- but is being allowed to keep her day job after giving up the night duties.
While prostitution is legal in New Zealand and police are allowed to take approved second jobs, a top officer said sex work and police work don't mix.
The policewoman had worked for a limited time as a prostitute in the northern city of Auckland before her clandestine activity was uncovered, police said. Her name and rank have not been made public.
Police media communications manager Jon Neilson said he understood the officer had taken up ''secondary employment due to financial difficulties,'' but had not sought police approval to work in the sex industry.
She has been counseled over the matter, which ''under police procedures .... amounts to a censure,'' said Deputy Police Commissioner Lyn Provost.
''I can assure the public that ... this type of secondary employment would never be approved given that the type of work is inappropriate and incompatible with policing,'' Provost said.
A spokeswoman for the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective said that depending on the brothel in which she worked, the police officer could have earned 500 New Zealand dollars (US$312) on a busy night.
Had she heard of other police officers moonlighting as sex workers?
''We have law students that are sex workers, we have doctors that are sex workers, I mean anyone can be a sex worker,'' the woman said, asking that she not be named due to the sensitive nature of her job.
''NZPC's philosophy is that we support people that are in that (for) secondary employment,'' she added.
Police Minister Annette King called the matter an internal police employment issue. It was ''inappropriate'' for her to comment.
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The 10 least politically correct movies ever
From 'Blazing Saddles' to 'Team America,' these films take no prisoners
By Michael Ventre, MSNBC contributor
Updated: 1:54 p.m. PT July 11, 2006
Many believe political correctness is good. It keeps us in line. It reminds us that almost all segments of society should be treated with dignity and respect. A joke at the expense of someone's gender, race or ethnic background has no place in movies today.
Of course, there are those who disagree, who believe political correctness is wrong, who feel that it only creates resentment toward the offended parties. A PC world is a world of oppression, they say, where freedom of speech is allowed in theory, but not in practice.
Personally, I'm not sure how I feel. Ideally, I'd like to straddle the line between both so as not to offend anyone.
But it's safe to say that comedies are the targets of most PC discussions when it comes to movies. That's because comedies have to make fun of something, and many times that something has to do with the differences in people. The movie business has a rich history of creating humor from the very essences of who people are, for better or worse.
That trend has slowed down considerably in recent years. They just don't make racial, ethnic or sex jokes like they used to in motion pictures, although occasionally they still try. Again, some feel that's the way it should be. Others disagree. But it's undeniable that these are different times — PC times — and students of comedy surely can appreciate the evolution of the genre to today's more sanitized state.
The following is a list of 10 comedies that really went to the precipice of good taste and decorum in the quest for laughs. Most are older, but a few were made fairly recently. Viewed now, many will still create laughter while others might meet with disgust. Of course, in most cases that was the reaction when they were first released:
"Blazing Saddles"
The granddaddy of them all when it comes to language and situations that wouldn't fly today. Mel Brooks' Western spoof came out in 1974, when certain indelicate references to race and womanhood could still elicit guffaws rather than protests. Cleavon Little plays Bart, an African-American who is assigned by evil politician Hedley Lamaar (Harvey Korman) to serve as the new sheriff of a town in the hopes his presence will so offend the citizens that he'll drive them out so Lamaar can grab their land. Because the townspeople apparently were expecting a white man, Bart isn't exactly embraced. A particular slur that starts with the letter that comes after "M" is sprinkled liberally throughout, but there are also plenty of sexual references as well, including the scene soon after Bart arrives and the folks dive for cover when he reaches into his pants to retrieve a document and says, "Excuse me while I whip this out." Since Brooks is an equal-opportunity offender, he assaults the sensibilities of Native-Americans, Jews, Chinese, Irish, women, horses, the handicapped and others. If "Blazing Saddles" were pitched in Hollywood today, Brooks would have been hastily escorted off the lot, and executives would quickly issue a statement that the move had nothing to do with him being short and Jewish.
"Airplane!"
Directors Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker skewered the disaster genre in this 1980 release that hurled one gag after another at audiences without the slightest regard to whether it rubbed anyone the wrong way. There was the bit with the two black gentlemen seated together whose speech is incomprehensible to the flight attendant until Barbara Billingsley of "Leave It To Beaver" fame offers to translate, explaining, "I speak jive." There was Peter Graves' Captain Oveur, who makes suggestive remarks to a young boy visiting the cockpit including, "Do you like gladiator movies?" There was the little boy who asks a little girl seated next to him how she likes her coffee: "Black, like my men." There were the repeated drug references by Lloyd Bridges ("Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.") There was the Air Israel plane wearing a yarmulke. And on and on. Today the PC police would have to hire extra help in order to monitor this one picture.
"There's Something About Mary"
An argument can be made that brothers Peter and Bobby Farrelly should be honored in the politically incorrect category for their entire body of work rather than just one picture. But "Mary" is not only the brothers at their tasteless best, but also at their funniest. The hair gel scene is probably the one Farrelly brothers moment that is most famous, and the one that generated enough good word of mouth to make this a big hit. But they also create laughter with men surprised at a rest area pursuing their feelings for each other. And when Matt Dillon jump-starts a dead dog. And when Ben Stiller gets his zipper caught in an area where no man should get his zipper caught. And when Dillon tries to impress Cameron Diaz by boasting about his "work with retards." The film is a sweet romantic comedy that is drenched in crude humor, creating a rare and hilarious subgenre.
"Caddyshack"
Probably more in the gross-out category than politically incorrect, this 1980 laugher starring Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and Ted Knight nevertheless had enough moments that would make a censor cringe to qualify here. For instance, early in the film Rodney shows up at Bushwood Country Club with an older Asian gentleman who has a camera around his neck and is taking pictures of everything. Dangerfield implores, "Hey Wang, c'mon. It's a parking lot!" He also tells Wang: "This place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish." The nephew of Knight's Judge Smails explains that his marijuana must be good because "I bought it off a Negro." Chase's Ty Webb asks young Danny Noonan (Michael O'Keefe) whether he takes drugs. "Every day," answers Danny. "Good," replies Ty, although that was later cleaned up for some TV showings. Don't forget Murray undressing the female golfers with his eyes and mumbling dirty talk to himself. And of course, there's the Baby Ruth at the bottom of the swimming pool, which Murray chomps on. Enough non-PC moments mixed with revolting jokes to satisfy anyone's inner slob.
"Love and Death"
This 1975 historical romp is a takeoff on epic Russian novels and explores the deeper questions of life via slapstick humor and pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo. It was Woody Allen's last film done strictly for yuks, until he segued into more serious fare with "Annie Hall" two years later. It has unforgettable moments of offensiveness, like when Diane Keaton's character Sonja explains to Father Andre that Woody's Boris had contemplated committing suicide "by inhaling next to an Armenian." In the same scene, the holy man tells Sonja that he has discovered over many years that the secret to life is "blond 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible." Woody also slips in a Polish joke with this line: "My brother was killed in the line of duty, bayoneted to death by a Polish conscientious objector." In most of Woody's earlier funny films, he managed to poke fun at just about everybody, but "Love and Death" is one of his more potent efforts.
"Kentucky Fried Movie"
The "Airplane!" team of Abrahams, Zucker and Zucker scripted this 1977 exercise in comic lunacy, but John Landis handled the directing chores. Whereas "Airplane!" was a series of sketches and bits attached to the spine of an absurd story derived from old airplane and disaster flicks, KFM really has no story at all. It jumps around from one zany situation to another, making sure to pierce society's taboos. Who can forget "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble," with its revealing shower sequence? Or "A Fistful of Yen," the chopsocky spoof where one prisoner is killed by an evil emperor, and then his partner is condemned as well: "And as for you … send him to Detroit!" The prisoner is then led away, pleading, "No, no! Not Detroit!" How about the game show announcer who mentions contestants named Hung Well, Long Wang and Enormous Genitals? And there's Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker, a daredevil who puts on a helmet, approaches a group of African-American men shooting dice against a wall, yells the "N" word and runs away with them hot on his heels. Today the FCC could double its annual revenue from fines with one showing of KFM on network TV.
"Team America: World Police"
Few political satires exist at all. Fewer still jab the right and the left equally hard, and do so using marionettes and extremely bad taste. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of "South Park," made this 2004 parody of the old "Thunderbirds" TV series with the intent of ridiculing all elements of the war on terror. It includes a reference to the Film Actors Guild by showing a news clip with the words "Alec Baldwin — F.A.G." They make fun of the Broadway show "Rent" with their own called "Lease" that includes the song, "Everyone Has AIDS." The film ridicules foreign languages like Spanish, French and Arabic by boiling them down to caricature levels; Kim Jong-il, the bad guy in the movie as in real life, greets people with "Herro" and calls weapons inspector Hans Blix "Hans Brix." This picture is politically incorrect in the most virulent manner because it exists not to express a point of view, but rather to harpoon a broad section of the famous and powerful while offending as many as possible.
"Porky's"
In 1982, "Porky's" was trashed by critics and gobbled up by audiences. It is a simple tale of simple high school boys in Florida who set out to lose their virginity at a bar/brothel called Porky's, get humiliated and kicked out, and then plot their revenge. The controversy here was over a series of infantile jokes at the expense of women. If you were a young man, you laughed. If you were a young woman, you probably laughed too, but insisted later to your feminist theory professor that you didn't. There is a memorable shower scene with an unwanted intruder, and a woman (Kim Cattrall, laying the steamy groundwork for "Sex and the City" much later) known as Lassie because she howls during orgasm. The raunchy humor is counterbalanced a bit by a message against anti-Semitism, but only a bit. Mostly this is about penis jokes and naked women, taken to the Nth degree.
"Song of the South"
This mixture of live action and animation probably doesn't fit snugly into the category of politically incorrect comedies, simply because it isn't a straight comedy but more a lighthearted family picture. Also, the depictions of African-Americans here weren't mean to elicit laughs, but were done in earnest in an attempt to portray life in a particular time period, right after the Civil War. But there's no doubt this could never be made today the same way. In fact, Disney has refused to even release the film on home video in the United States (although it is available overseas) because the portrayals of African-Americans would create a firestorm today. Uncle Remus, a wise old black man, tells the story of Brer Rabbit and his pals to cheer up little Johnny, a white kid. But most of the black people are shown as subservient to whites. This isn't exactly "Birth of a Nation," but in terms of racial stereotypes, it's in that ballpark. "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" won the 1947 Academy Award for Best Song.
"Bad Santa"
Proving that even in these politically correct times a film can sneak through the studio filters and offend just about everybody, "Bad Santa" is probably the filthiest comedy produced in the last 10 years, and certainly it is the dirtiest Christmas film of all time. The 2003 release stars Billy Bob Thornton as Willie T. Stokes, a drunken, lecherous, mean-spirited department store St. Nick who never met a bottle of booze he wouldn't guzzle or a women's body he wouldn't plunder. On top of all that, he continually curses out the sweet little boy who adores him. It takes most movie-goers about a half hour or so until the shock wears off, the story gets going and it becomes clear that director Terry Zwigoff is going somewhere besides the toilet.
(c) 2006 MSNBC Interactive
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Beer Can Collection --
John Hollenhorst reporting
A seemingly unbelievable mess discovered last year in an Ogden townhouse has suddenly become an Internet legend.
It's all TRUE!
You know how some people, after they use something, just can't bear to throw it away. That might make sense if it's magazines or clothes. But what if it's empty beer cans? In astounding numbers?
When property manager Ryan Froerer got a call from a realtor last year to check on a townhouse, he knew something was up.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "Said it was the sickest thing he's ever seen. Just unimaginable that someone could live in that."
He couldn't even open the front door. It was blocked from inside.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "There was beer cans I would say probably this high up on the door."
The realtor had forewarned him about the smell.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "He poked his head in, the smell was so awful he couldn't go in. "
At the back door, Froerer was astounded by what he saw in the kitchen.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "As we approached the door, there were beer boxes, all the way up to the ceiling."
Inside, he took just a few snapshots to document the scene. Beer cans by the tens of thousands. Mountains of cans burying the furniture. The water and heat were shut off, apparently on purpose by the tenant, who evidently drank Coors Light beer exclusively for the eight years he lived there.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's just unbelievable that a human being could live like that. "
To all outward appearances, the person who lived in the townhouse was the perfect tenant. He always paid on time and he never complained. He kept a low profile in the neighborhood.
Kirk Martin, Letter Carrier: "Yeah I never delivered any mail there at all. I thought the apartment was vacant."
The cans were recycled for 800 dollars, an estimated 70,000 cans: 24 beers a day for 8 years.
Froerer e-mailed his photos to a couple of friends, who sent them to friends. Now he's getting calls from faraway places Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's amazing how the internet can have the effect and get around. I'm sure it's been around the world. "
The townhouse was cleaned up last year and it's just fine today.
The man who lived there seems to be back on his feet. We spoke to him today and he says he's completely stopped drinking. He was welcomed back to his old job a few months ago, and his co-workers speak highly of him.
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Lifestyle Advice......
Things we should all know
1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
9. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist is reversed.
13 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you do the same thing again.
16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
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Worthy of a Reprise.......
Game Warden
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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AN HONEST FACE
The Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
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Egg Business
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and putting it to them when they weren't paying attention.
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