Wacko World

No wonder our groceries are so expensive!!!!!!!!

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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Post turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to stop and help the dumb shit get down."
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Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But..... if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
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Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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New Name

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most ... cars and men."

" What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits", he replied.
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Quote from Ted Nugent

He was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend? ` Or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."
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GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English.

Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.
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What To Do..........
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, see answer below.
.
.
Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round!!
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Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.....

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden "diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money!

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's & Insurance Companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
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Midlife crisis

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me:

Recently, married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde!

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman! It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would, once again, be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed!
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Newz Brake............

Mo. Man Sends Porn Pictures of Ex - Wife By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Filed at 6:04 p.m. ET

CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo. (AP) -- A southeast Missouri man will go to jail for breaking into his ex-wife's e-mail and sending pornographic pictures of her to her relatives.

Alfred Seals, 47, of Cape Girardeau, pleaded guilty Wednesday to misdemeanor tampering with computer data, and was sentenced to 20 days in jail.

Seals gained access to his wife's e-mail account without her consent, then e-mailed the woman's family a Web site link and message stating, ''something nice to see,'' according to a probable-cause statement.

The link took users to a Web site that contained several pornographic pictures Seals took of the woman when they were married.

The woman immediately suspected her ex-husband and went to police.
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Scotsman in Cuba

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
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"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today "OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes!!
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SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) Are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7 A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least...my personal favorite

13. Thongs and Depends
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Pearly Gates

St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."

St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"

God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."

St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
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From the "Don't Try This At Home" File:
My Solution

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants----to boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc.

I have come up with, what I believe is, the perfect solution to both the gas and illegal immigrant problems.

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful, and they're cheaper than buying gas.

Then I pay them in pesos, so they have to go home to spend it.
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IQ

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical break throughs, etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "Sir, what is your IQ?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g to n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?"
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Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and makes love to me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing", he said, "What's for dinner?"
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An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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A LITTLE CATHOLIC HUMOR

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and enjoying a round of golf.The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again, and the usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed
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Some Old, Some New, All Useful..........
GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it" --- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder
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A Moldie Oldie........
Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"
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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 06

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the ! time gra ndpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first ! place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up; some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Updated & Downgraded......
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1.. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church (unless you're Catholic and enjoy tailgating before Mass)

4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

*** DINING OUT ***

1.. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2.. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2.. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2.. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2.. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3.. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4.. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

*** WEDDINGS ***

1.. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.. Kissing the Bride while going through the Reception line, for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3.. For the groom; at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5.. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in the sights.

2.. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4.. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***

1.. All the DNA is the same.

2.. There are no dental records.
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All Together............
Ole

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.

The operator said "Where are you?"

Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."

The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead.

The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.

He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St., that's O-A-K."
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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"

"Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.

"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
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Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," answered Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
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Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
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Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.

The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free.

We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale."
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No," replied Lars.

"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to

Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
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And dot's enough!!
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