Friday, July 21, 2006
Just Like a Woman..............
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Two guys are chatting in a bar.
One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend, "and I JUST JOINED THE ELKS !!!!
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Nuns.....
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying. . ."Here, don't forget the curlers."
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Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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FLORIDA NEWS
A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder."
(That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained and there was this note.
It said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
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Baseball injury
John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?" John said.
"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.
Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton balls and water.
"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"
Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"
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Nowhere to hide
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
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Louisiana State Police
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux, to
investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
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92
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every Sunday afternoon during summer. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
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Bush is wrong!!!
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID THAT MASSIVE DEPORTATION OF ILLEGAL ALIENS IS UNREALISTIC. HE FURTHER SAID YOU CAN'T JUST MOVE 12 MILLION PEOPLE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
HE IS WRONG.
MEXICO DID IT.
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Jack Bolt
John "Jack" Bolt, who launched West to his final reward in 2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace.
As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought F4U Corsair.
As a major, he scored six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre during a Korean War exchange tour with the U.S. Air Force.
Jack Bolt was a hoot. During a commercial airline flight several years ago, he was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible.
Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby.... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
Jack snaps his fingers, shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Dang! And all these years I've been chewing gum!"
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LETTERS "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. This is all I got.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Don't Snooze Thru The Newz...
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Cop's Night Job As Hooker Is Nixed
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 8:09 a.m. ET
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A New Zealand policewoman has been censured for some unauthorized ''undercover'' work -- a stint moonlighting as a prostitute -- but is being allowed to keep her day job after giving up the night duties.
While prostitution is legal in New Zealand and police are allowed to take approved second jobs, a top officer said sex work and police work don't mix.
The policewoman had worked for a limited time as a prostitute in the northern city of Auckland before her clandestine activity was uncovered, police said. Her name and rank have not been made public.
Police media communications manager Jon Neilson said he understood the officer had taken up ''secondary employment due to financial difficulties,'' but had not sought police approval to work in the sex industry.
She has been counseled over the matter, which ''under police procedures .... amounts to a censure,'' said Deputy Police Commissioner Lyn Provost.
''I can assure the public that ... this type of secondary employment would never be approved given that the type of work is inappropriate and incompatible with policing,'' Provost said.
A spokeswoman for the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective said that depending on the brothel in which she worked, the police officer could have earned 500 New Zealand dollars (US$312) on a busy night.
Had she heard of other police officers moonlighting as sex workers?
''We have law students that are sex workers, we have doctors that are sex workers, I mean anyone can be a sex worker,'' the woman said, asking that she not be named due to the sensitive nature of her job.
''NZPC's philosophy is that we support people that are in that (for) secondary employment,'' she added.
Police Minister Annette King called the matter an internal police employment issue. It was ''inappropriate'' for her to comment.
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The 10 least politically correct movies ever
From 'Blazing Saddles' to 'Team America,' these films take no prisoners
By Michael Ventre, MSNBC contributor
Updated: 1:54 p.m. PT July 11, 2006
Many believe political correctness is good. It keeps us in line. It reminds us that almost all segments of society should be treated with dignity and respect. A joke at the expense of someone's gender, race or ethnic background has no place in movies today.
Of course, there are those who disagree, who believe political correctness is wrong, who feel that it only creates resentment toward the offended parties. A PC world is a world of oppression, they say, where freedom of speech is allowed in theory, but not in practice.
Personally, I'm not sure how I feel. Ideally, I'd like to straddle the line between both so as not to offend anyone.
But it's safe to say that comedies are the targets of most PC discussions when it comes to movies. That's because comedies have to make fun of something, and many times that something has to do with the differences in people. The movie business has a rich history of creating humor from the very essences of who people are, for better or worse.
That trend has slowed down considerably in recent years. They just don't make racial, ethnic or sex jokes like they used to in motion pictures, although occasionally they still try. Again, some feel that's the way it should be. Others disagree. But it's undeniable that these are different times — PC times — and students of comedy surely can appreciate the evolution of the genre to today's more sanitized state.
The following is a list of 10 comedies that really went to the precipice of good taste and decorum in the quest for laughs. Most are older, but a few were made fairly recently. Viewed now, many will still create laughter while others might meet with disgust. Of course, in most cases that was the reaction when they were first released:
"Blazing Saddles"
The granddaddy of them all when it comes to language and situations that wouldn't fly today. Mel Brooks' Western spoof came out in 1974, when certain indelicate references to race and womanhood could still elicit guffaws rather than protests. Cleavon Little plays Bart, an African-American who is assigned by evil politician Hedley Lamaar (Harvey Korman) to serve as the new sheriff of a town in the hopes his presence will so offend the citizens that he'll drive them out so Lamaar can grab their land. Because the townspeople apparently were expecting a white man, Bart isn't exactly embraced. A particular slur that starts with the letter that comes after "M" is sprinkled liberally throughout, but there are also plenty of sexual references as well, including the scene soon after Bart arrives and the folks dive for cover when he reaches into his pants to retrieve a document and says, "Excuse me while I whip this out." Since Brooks is an equal-opportunity offender, he assaults the sensibilities of Native-Americans, Jews, Chinese, Irish, women, horses, the handicapped and others. If "Blazing Saddles" were pitched in Hollywood today, Brooks would have been hastily escorted off the lot, and executives would quickly issue a statement that the move had nothing to do with him being short and Jewish.
"Airplane!"
Directors Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker skewered the disaster genre in this 1980 release that hurled one gag after another at audiences without the slightest regard to whether it rubbed anyone the wrong way. There was the bit with the two black gentlemen seated together whose speech is incomprehensible to the flight attendant until Barbara Billingsley of "Leave It To Beaver" fame offers to translate, explaining, "I speak jive." There was Peter Graves' Captain Oveur, who makes suggestive remarks to a young boy visiting the cockpit including, "Do you like gladiator movies?" There was the little boy who asks a little girl seated next to him how she likes her coffee: "Black, like my men." There were the repeated drug references by Lloyd Bridges ("Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.") There was the Air Israel plane wearing a yarmulke. And on and on. Today the PC police would have to hire extra help in order to monitor this one picture.
"There's Something About Mary"
An argument can be made that brothers Peter and Bobby Farrelly should be honored in the politically incorrect category for their entire body of work rather than just one picture. But "Mary" is not only the brothers at their tasteless best, but also at their funniest. The hair gel scene is probably the one Farrelly brothers moment that is most famous, and the one that generated enough good word of mouth to make this a big hit. But they also create laughter with men surprised at a rest area pursuing their feelings for each other. And when Matt Dillon jump-starts a dead dog. And when Ben Stiller gets his zipper caught in an area where no man should get his zipper caught. And when Dillon tries to impress Cameron Diaz by boasting about his "work with retards." The film is a sweet romantic comedy that is drenched in crude humor, creating a rare and hilarious subgenre.
"Caddyshack"
Probably more in the gross-out category than politically incorrect, this 1980 laugher starring Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and Ted Knight nevertheless had enough moments that would make a censor cringe to qualify here. For instance, early in the film Rodney shows up at Bushwood Country Club with an older Asian gentleman who has a camera around his neck and is taking pictures of everything. Dangerfield implores, "Hey Wang, c'mon. It's a parking lot!" He also tells Wang: "This place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish." The nephew of Knight's Judge Smails explains that his marijuana must be good because "I bought it off a Negro." Chase's Ty Webb asks young Danny Noonan (Michael O'Keefe) whether he takes drugs. "Every day," answers Danny. "Good," replies Ty, although that was later cleaned up for some TV showings. Don't forget Murray undressing the female golfers with his eyes and mumbling dirty talk to himself. And of course, there's the Baby Ruth at the bottom of the swimming pool, which Murray chomps on. Enough non-PC moments mixed with revolting jokes to satisfy anyone's inner slob.
"Love and Death"
This 1975 historical romp is a takeoff on epic Russian novels and explores the deeper questions of life via slapstick humor and pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo. It was Woody Allen's last film done strictly for yuks, until he segued into more serious fare with "Annie Hall" two years later. It has unforgettable moments of offensiveness, like when Diane Keaton's character Sonja explains to Father Andre that Woody's Boris had contemplated committing suicide "by inhaling next to an Armenian." In the same scene, the holy man tells Sonja that he has discovered over many years that the secret to life is "blond 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible." Woody also slips in a Polish joke with this line: "My brother was killed in the line of duty, bayoneted to death by a Polish conscientious objector." In most of Woody's earlier funny films, he managed to poke fun at just about everybody, but "Love and Death" is one of his more potent efforts.
"Kentucky Fried Movie"
The "Airplane!" team of Abrahams, Zucker and Zucker scripted this 1977 exercise in comic lunacy, but John Landis handled the directing chores. Whereas "Airplane!" was a series of sketches and bits attached to the spine of an absurd story derived from old airplane and disaster flicks, KFM really has no story at all. It jumps around from one zany situation to another, making sure to pierce society's taboos. Who can forget "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble," with its revealing shower sequence? Or "A Fistful of Yen," the chopsocky spoof where one prisoner is killed by an evil emperor, and then his partner is condemned as well: "And as for you … send him to Detroit!" The prisoner is then led away, pleading, "No, no! Not Detroit!" How about the game show announcer who mentions contestants named Hung Well, Long Wang and Enormous Genitals? And there's Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker, a daredevil who puts on a helmet, approaches a group of African-American men shooting dice against a wall, yells the "N" word and runs away with them hot on his heels. Today the FCC could double its annual revenue from fines with one showing of KFM on network TV.
"Team America: World Police"
Few political satires exist at all. Fewer still jab the right and the left equally hard, and do so using marionettes and extremely bad taste. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of "South Park," made this 2004 parody of the old "Thunderbirds" TV series with the intent of ridiculing all elements of the war on terror. It includes a reference to the Film Actors Guild by showing a news clip with the words "Alec Baldwin — F.A.G." They make fun of the Broadway show "Rent" with their own called "Lease" that includes the song, "Everyone Has AIDS." The film ridicules foreign languages like Spanish, French and Arabic by boiling them down to caricature levels; Kim Jong-il, the bad guy in the movie as in real life, greets people with "Herro" and calls weapons inspector Hans Blix "Hans Brix." This picture is politically incorrect in the most virulent manner because it exists not to express a point of view, but rather to harpoon a broad section of the famous and powerful while offending as many as possible.
"Porky's"
In 1982, "Porky's" was trashed by critics and gobbled up by audiences. It is a simple tale of simple high school boys in Florida who set out to lose their virginity at a bar/brothel called Porky's, get humiliated and kicked out, and then plot their revenge. The controversy here was over a series of infantile jokes at the expense of women. If you were a young man, you laughed. If you were a young woman, you probably laughed too, but insisted later to your feminist theory professor that you didn't. There is a memorable shower scene with an unwanted intruder, and a woman (Kim Cattrall, laying the steamy groundwork for "Sex and the City" much later) known as Lassie because she howls during orgasm. The raunchy humor is counterbalanced a bit by a message against anti-Semitism, but only a bit. Mostly this is about penis jokes and naked women, taken to the Nth degree.
"Song of the South"
This mixture of live action and animation probably doesn't fit snugly into the category of politically incorrect comedies, simply because it isn't a straight comedy but more a lighthearted family picture. Also, the depictions of African-Americans here weren't mean to elicit laughs, but were done in earnest in an attempt to portray life in a particular time period, right after the Civil War. But there's no doubt this could never be made today the same way. In fact, Disney has refused to even release the film on home video in the United States (although it is available overseas) because the portrayals of African-Americans would create a firestorm today. Uncle Remus, a wise old black man, tells the story of Brer Rabbit and his pals to cheer up little Johnny, a white kid. But most of the black people are shown as subservient to whites. This isn't exactly "Birth of a Nation," but in terms of racial stereotypes, it's in that ballpark. "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" won the 1947 Academy Award for Best Song.
"Bad Santa"
Proving that even in these politically correct times a film can sneak through the studio filters and offend just about everybody, "Bad Santa" is probably the filthiest comedy produced in the last 10 years, and certainly it is the dirtiest Christmas film of all time. The 2003 release stars Billy Bob Thornton as Willie T. Stokes, a drunken, lecherous, mean-spirited department store St. Nick who never met a bottle of booze he wouldn't guzzle or a women's body he wouldn't plunder. On top of all that, he continually curses out the sweet little boy who adores him. It takes most movie-goers about a half hour or so until the shock wears off, the story gets going and it becomes clear that director Terry Zwigoff is going somewhere besides the toilet.
(c) 2006 MSNBC Interactive
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Beer Can Collection --
John Hollenhorst reporting
A seemingly unbelievable mess discovered last year in an Ogden townhouse has suddenly become an Internet legend.
It's all TRUE!
You know how some people, after they use something, just can't bear to throw it away. That might make sense if it's magazines or clothes. But what if it's empty beer cans? In astounding numbers?
When property manager Ryan Froerer got a call from a realtor last year to check on a townhouse, he knew something was up.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "Said it was the sickest thing he's ever seen. Just unimaginable that someone could live in that."
He couldn't even open the front door. It was blocked from inside.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "There was beer cans I would say probably this high up on the door."
The realtor had forewarned him about the smell.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "He poked his head in, the smell was so awful he couldn't go in. "
At the back door, Froerer was astounded by what he saw in the kitchen.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "As we approached the door, there were beer boxes, all the way up to the ceiling."
Inside, he took just a few snapshots to document the scene. Beer cans by the tens of thousands. Mountains of cans burying the furniture. The water and heat were shut off, apparently on purpose by the tenant, who evidently drank Coors Light beer exclusively for the eight years he lived there.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's just unbelievable that a human being could live like that. "
To all outward appearances, the person who lived in the townhouse was the perfect tenant. He always paid on time and he never complained. He kept a low profile in the neighborhood.
Kirk Martin, Letter Carrier: "Yeah I never delivered any mail there at all. I thought the apartment was vacant."
The cans were recycled for 800 dollars, an estimated 70,000 cans: 24 beers a day for 8 years.
Froerer e-mailed his photos to a couple of friends, who sent them to friends. Now he's getting calls from faraway places Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's amazing how the internet can have the effect and get around. I'm sure it's been around the world. "
The townhouse was cleaned up last year and it's just fine today.
The man who lived there seems to be back on his feet. We spoke to him today and he says he's completely stopped drinking. He was welcomed back to his old job a few months ago, and his co-workers speak highly of him.
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Lifestyle Advice......
Things we should all know
1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
9. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist is reversed.
13 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you do the same thing again.
16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
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Worthy of a Reprise.......
Game Warden
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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AN HONEST FACE
The Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
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Egg Business
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and putting it to them when they weren't paying attention.
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Two guys are chatting in a bar.
One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend, "and I JUST JOINED THE ELKS !!!!
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Nuns.....
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying. . ."Here, don't forget the curlers."
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Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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FLORIDA NEWS
A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder."
(That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained and there was this note.
It said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
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Baseball injury
John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?" John said.
"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.
Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton balls and water.
"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"
Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"
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Nowhere to hide
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
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Louisiana State Police
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux, to
investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
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92
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every Sunday afternoon during summer. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
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Bush is wrong!!!
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID THAT MASSIVE DEPORTATION OF ILLEGAL ALIENS IS UNREALISTIC. HE FURTHER SAID YOU CAN'T JUST MOVE 12 MILLION PEOPLE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
HE IS WRONG.
MEXICO DID IT.
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Jack Bolt
John "Jack" Bolt, who launched West to his final reward in 2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace.
As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought F4U Corsair.
As a major, he scored six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre during a Korean War exchange tour with the U.S. Air Force.
Jack Bolt was a hoot. During a commercial airline flight several years ago, he was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible.
Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby.... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
Jack snaps his fingers, shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Dang! And all these years I've been chewing gum!"
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LETTERS "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. This is all I got.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Don't Snooze Thru The Newz...
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Cop's Night Job As Hooker Is Nixed
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 8:09 a.m. ET
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A New Zealand policewoman has been censured for some unauthorized ''undercover'' work -- a stint moonlighting as a prostitute -- but is being allowed to keep her day job after giving up the night duties.
While prostitution is legal in New Zealand and police are allowed to take approved second jobs, a top officer said sex work and police work don't mix.
The policewoman had worked for a limited time as a prostitute in the northern city of Auckland before her clandestine activity was uncovered, police said. Her name and rank have not been made public.
Police media communications manager Jon Neilson said he understood the officer had taken up ''secondary employment due to financial difficulties,'' but had not sought police approval to work in the sex industry.
She has been counseled over the matter, which ''under police procedures .... amounts to a censure,'' said Deputy Police Commissioner Lyn Provost.
''I can assure the public that ... this type of secondary employment would never be approved given that the type of work is inappropriate and incompatible with policing,'' Provost said.
A spokeswoman for the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective said that depending on the brothel in which she worked, the police officer could have earned 500 New Zealand dollars (US$312) on a busy night.
Had she heard of other police officers moonlighting as sex workers?
''We have law students that are sex workers, we have doctors that are sex workers, I mean anyone can be a sex worker,'' the woman said, asking that she not be named due to the sensitive nature of her job.
''NZPC's philosophy is that we support people that are in that (for) secondary employment,'' she added.
Police Minister Annette King called the matter an internal police employment issue. It was ''inappropriate'' for her to comment.
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The 10 least politically correct movies ever
From 'Blazing Saddles' to 'Team America,' these films take no prisoners
By Michael Ventre, MSNBC contributor
Updated: 1:54 p.m. PT July 11, 2006
Many believe political correctness is good. It keeps us in line. It reminds us that almost all segments of society should be treated with dignity and respect. A joke at the expense of someone's gender, race or ethnic background has no place in movies today.
Of course, there are those who disagree, who believe political correctness is wrong, who feel that it only creates resentment toward the offended parties. A PC world is a world of oppression, they say, where freedom of speech is allowed in theory, but not in practice.
Personally, I'm not sure how I feel. Ideally, I'd like to straddle the line between both so as not to offend anyone.
But it's safe to say that comedies are the targets of most PC discussions when it comes to movies. That's because comedies have to make fun of something, and many times that something has to do with the differences in people. The movie business has a rich history of creating humor from the very essences of who people are, for better or worse.
That trend has slowed down considerably in recent years. They just don't make racial, ethnic or sex jokes like they used to in motion pictures, although occasionally they still try. Again, some feel that's the way it should be. Others disagree. But it's undeniable that these are different times — PC times — and students of comedy surely can appreciate the evolution of the genre to today's more sanitized state.
The following is a list of 10 comedies that really went to the precipice of good taste and decorum in the quest for laughs. Most are older, but a few were made fairly recently. Viewed now, many will still create laughter while others might meet with disgust. Of course, in most cases that was the reaction when they were first released:
"Blazing Saddles"
The granddaddy of them all when it comes to language and situations that wouldn't fly today. Mel Brooks' Western spoof came out in 1974, when certain indelicate references to race and womanhood could still elicit guffaws rather than protests. Cleavon Little plays Bart, an African-American who is assigned by evil politician Hedley Lamaar (Harvey Korman) to serve as the new sheriff of a town in the hopes his presence will so offend the citizens that he'll drive them out so Lamaar can grab their land. Because the townspeople apparently were expecting a white man, Bart isn't exactly embraced. A particular slur that starts with the letter that comes after "M" is sprinkled liberally throughout, but there are also plenty of sexual references as well, including the scene soon after Bart arrives and the folks dive for cover when he reaches into his pants to retrieve a document and says, "Excuse me while I whip this out." Since Brooks is an equal-opportunity offender, he assaults the sensibilities of Native-Americans, Jews, Chinese, Irish, women, horses, the handicapped and others. If "Blazing Saddles" were pitched in Hollywood today, Brooks would have been hastily escorted off the lot, and executives would quickly issue a statement that the move had nothing to do with him being short and Jewish.
"Airplane!"
Directors Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker skewered the disaster genre in this 1980 release that hurled one gag after another at audiences without the slightest regard to whether it rubbed anyone the wrong way. There was the bit with the two black gentlemen seated together whose speech is incomprehensible to the flight attendant until Barbara Billingsley of "Leave It To Beaver" fame offers to translate, explaining, "I speak jive." There was Peter Graves' Captain Oveur, who makes suggestive remarks to a young boy visiting the cockpit including, "Do you like gladiator movies?" There was the little boy who asks a little girl seated next to him how she likes her coffee: "Black, like my men." There were the repeated drug references by Lloyd Bridges ("Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.") There was the Air Israel plane wearing a yarmulke. And on and on. Today the PC police would have to hire extra help in order to monitor this one picture.
"There's Something About Mary"
An argument can be made that brothers Peter and Bobby Farrelly should be honored in the politically incorrect category for their entire body of work rather than just one picture. But "Mary" is not only the brothers at their tasteless best, but also at their funniest. The hair gel scene is probably the one Farrelly brothers moment that is most famous, and the one that generated enough good word of mouth to make this a big hit. But they also create laughter with men surprised at a rest area pursuing their feelings for each other. And when Matt Dillon jump-starts a dead dog. And when Ben Stiller gets his zipper caught in an area where no man should get his zipper caught. And when Dillon tries to impress Cameron Diaz by boasting about his "work with retards." The film is a sweet romantic comedy that is drenched in crude humor, creating a rare and hilarious subgenre.
"Caddyshack"
Probably more in the gross-out category than politically incorrect, this 1980 laugher starring Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and Ted Knight nevertheless had enough moments that would make a censor cringe to qualify here. For instance, early in the film Rodney shows up at Bushwood Country Club with an older Asian gentleman who has a camera around his neck and is taking pictures of everything. Dangerfield implores, "Hey Wang, c'mon. It's a parking lot!" He also tells Wang: "This place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish." The nephew of Knight's Judge Smails explains that his marijuana must be good because "I bought it off a Negro." Chase's Ty Webb asks young Danny Noonan (Michael O'Keefe) whether he takes drugs. "Every day," answers Danny. "Good," replies Ty, although that was later cleaned up for some TV showings. Don't forget Murray undressing the female golfers with his eyes and mumbling dirty talk to himself. And of course, there's the Baby Ruth at the bottom of the swimming pool, which Murray chomps on. Enough non-PC moments mixed with revolting jokes to satisfy anyone's inner slob.
"Love and Death"
This 1975 historical romp is a takeoff on epic Russian novels and explores the deeper questions of life via slapstick humor and pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo. It was Woody Allen's last film done strictly for yuks, until he segued into more serious fare with "Annie Hall" two years later. It has unforgettable moments of offensiveness, like when Diane Keaton's character Sonja explains to Father Andre that Woody's Boris had contemplated committing suicide "by inhaling next to an Armenian." In the same scene, the holy man tells Sonja that he has discovered over many years that the secret to life is "blond 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible." Woody also slips in a Polish joke with this line: "My brother was killed in the line of duty, bayoneted to death by a Polish conscientious objector." In most of Woody's earlier funny films, he managed to poke fun at just about everybody, but "Love and Death" is one of his more potent efforts.
"Kentucky Fried Movie"
The "Airplane!" team of Abrahams, Zucker and Zucker scripted this 1977 exercise in comic lunacy, but John Landis handled the directing chores. Whereas "Airplane!" was a series of sketches and bits attached to the spine of an absurd story derived from old airplane and disaster flicks, KFM really has no story at all. It jumps around from one zany situation to another, making sure to pierce society's taboos. Who can forget "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble," with its revealing shower sequence? Or "A Fistful of Yen," the chopsocky spoof where one prisoner is killed by an evil emperor, and then his partner is condemned as well: "And as for you … send him to Detroit!" The prisoner is then led away, pleading, "No, no! Not Detroit!" How about the game show announcer who mentions contestants named Hung Well, Long Wang and Enormous Genitals? And there's Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker, a daredevil who puts on a helmet, approaches a group of African-American men shooting dice against a wall, yells the "N" word and runs away with them hot on his heels. Today the FCC could double its annual revenue from fines with one showing of KFM on network TV.
"Team America: World Police"
Few political satires exist at all. Fewer still jab the right and the left equally hard, and do so using marionettes and extremely bad taste. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of "South Park," made this 2004 parody of the old "Thunderbirds" TV series with the intent of ridiculing all elements of the war on terror. It includes a reference to the Film Actors Guild by showing a news clip with the words "Alec Baldwin — F.A.G." They make fun of the Broadway show "Rent" with their own called "Lease" that includes the song, "Everyone Has AIDS." The film ridicules foreign languages like Spanish, French and Arabic by boiling them down to caricature levels; Kim Jong-il, the bad guy in the movie as in real life, greets people with "Herro" and calls weapons inspector Hans Blix "Hans Brix." This picture is politically incorrect in the most virulent manner because it exists not to express a point of view, but rather to harpoon a broad section of the famous and powerful while offending as many as possible.
"Porky's"
In 1982, "Porky's" was trashed by critics and gobbled up by audiences. It is a simple tale of simple high school boys in Florida who set out to lose their virginity at a bar/brothel called Porky's, get humiliated and kicked out, and then plot their revenge. The controversy here was over a series of infantile jokes at the expense of women. If you were a young man, you laughed. If you were a young woman, you probably laughed too, but insisted later to your feminist theory professor that you didn't. There is a memorable shower scene with an unwanted intruder, and a woman (Kim Cattrall, laying the steamy groundwork for "Sex and the City" much later) known as Lassie because she howls during orgasm. The raunchy humor is counterbalanced a bit by a message against anti-Semitism, but only a bit. Mostly this is about penis jokes and naked women, taken to the Nth degree.
"Song of the South"
This mixture of live action and animation probably doesn't fit snugly into the category of politically incorrect comedies, simply because it isn't a straight comedy but more a lighthearted family picture. Also, the depictions of African-Americans here weren't mean to elicit laughs, but were done in earnest in an attempt to portray life in a particular time period, right after the Civil War. But there's no doubt this could never be made today the same way. In fact, Disney has refused to even release the film on home video in the United States (although it is available overseas) because the portrayals of African-Americans would create a firestorm today. Uncle Remus, a wise old black man, tells the story of Brer Rabbit and his pals to cheer up little Johnny, a white kid. But most of the black people are shown as subservient to whites. This isn't exactly "Birth of a Nation," but in terms of racial stereotypes, it's in that ballpark. "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" won the 1947 Academy Award for Best Song.
"Bad Santa"
Proving that even in these politically correct times a film can sneak through the studio filters and offend just about everybody, "Bad Santa" is probably the filthiest comedy produced in the last 10 years, and certainly it is the dirtiest Christmas film of all time. The 2003 release stars Billy Bob Thornton as Willie T. Stokes, a drunken, lecherous, mean-spirited department store St. Nick who never met a bottle of booze he wouldn't guzzle or a women's body he wouldn't plunder. On top of all that, he continually curses out the sweet little boy who adores him. It takes most movie-goers about a half hour or so until the shock wears off, the story gets going and it becomes clear that director Terry Zwigoff is going somewhere besides the toilet.
(c) 2006 MSNBC Interactive
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Beer Can Collection --
John Hollenhorst reporting
A seemingly unbelievable mess discovered last year in an Ogden townhouse has suddenly become an Internet legend.
It's all TRUE!
You know how some people, after they use something, just can't bear to throw it away. That might make sense if it's magazines or clothes. But what if it's empty beer cans? In astounding numbers?
When property manager Ryan Froerer got a call from a realtor last year to check on a townhouse, he knew something was up.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "Said it was the sickest thing he's ever seen. Just unimaginable that someone could live in that."
He couldn't even open the front door. It was blocked from inside.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "There was beer cans I would say probably this high up on the door."
The realtor had forewarned him about the smell.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "He poked his head in, the smell was so awful he couldn't go in. "
At the back door, Froerer was astounded by what he saw in the kitchen.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "As we approached the door, there were beer boxes, all the way up to the ceiling."
Inside, he took just a few snapshots to document the scene. Beer cans by the tens of thousands. Mountains of cans burying the furniture. The water and heat were shut off, apparently on purpose by the tenant, who evidently drank Coors Light beer exclusively for the eight years he lived there.
Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's just unbelievable that a human being could live like that. "
To all outward appearances, the person who lived in the townhouse was the perfect tenant. He always paid on time and he never complained. He kept a low profile in the neighborhood.
Kirk Martin, Letter Carrier: "Yeah I never delivered any mail there at all. I thought the apartment was vacant."
The cans were recycled for 800 dollars, an estimated 70,000 cans: 24 beers a day for 8 years.
Froerer e-mailed his photos to a couple of friends, who sent them to friends. Now he's getting calls from faraway places Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "It's amazing how the internet can have the effect and get around. I'm sure it's been around the world. "
The townhouse was cleaned up last year and it's just fine today.
The man who lived there seems to be back on his feet. We spoke to him today and he says he's completely stopped drinking. He was welcomed back to his old job a few months ago, and his co-workers speak highly of him.
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Lifestyle Advice......
Things we should all know
1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
9. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist is reversed.
13 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you do the same thing again.
16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
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Worthy of a Reprise.......
Game Warden
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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AN HONEST FACE
The Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
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Egg Business
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and putting it to them when they weren't paying attention.
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# posted by Jacob Marley : 11:41 AM
